(Disclaimer--this story is a parody and is intended for entertainment purposes only--we made no money from this, that’s for damn sure. Well, it’s also a blatant attempt to get into the WWFF Legends again. The plot is similar to the Wizard of Oz, and many references are stolen...errr...borrowed from the World’s Worst Fanfiction series by Picard42, JhooksX, Walky, etc. Special thanks to Craig Cicero for use of a quote he came up with...it’s in there... Finally, none of this story is meant to be an insult to fans of Beast Wars or the Wizard of Oz. We did it because we thought it was funny.)

The Wizard of Cybertron
A collaborative effort
By Triceratron and Beetlebrox
Creative credit to AI2000

Note- For some reason (actually it’s intentional for the character he parodies), Silverbolt remains in beast mode throughout the entire story. All other characters are in robot mode, except Rattrap.

The set is totally black and white. As the camera pans in we see Blackarachnia and Silverbolt, ah...lets just say romping through the forest. Silverbolt suddenly begins to growl and move off toward a tree.

Blackarachnia- Uh! What are you doing?

Silverbolt- Grrrrr.

The camera pan up just as Megatron jumps out from behind to tree with guns drawn. Silverbolt, for lack of a better idea, pees on Megatron’s leg, and yanks it off.

Megatron- I’ll get you my chesty and your little fuzor too. Hehehe. Yessssss.

Blackarachnia- you like saying that, don’t you?

Megatron- Yesss.

Blackarachnia- is there something wrong with you?

Megatron- Yesss..I mean noooo..

Megatron- grabs his leg from Silverbolt snaps it back on and runs off.

Silverbolt- We should get back to base, there may be more Predacons a foot.

BA- Oh, all right Silverbolt. It’s just that I’m very bored here any more. (singing) Somewhere, out of the atmosphere, Up in the sky, There’s a place that I read of once in an old text file. Blah, blah, blah, blah, something, something... If spaceships can fly out of the atmosphere, why oh why can’t I?

Silverbolt- Nice song...I think.

BA- Shut up Rover. Let’s get home.

The camera pans in and we see Blackarachnia and Silverbolt coming back towards base, but the Maximals have all retreated into a cave near by. We see a sudden wind and a darkened sky, quickly followed by a very large temporal storm. Blackarachnia and Silverbolt move into the Axalon and are suddenly knocked out. Suddenly we see the entire Axalon flying through the air. The camera pans in and begins to spin. We now go to Blackarachnia’s point of view. Blackarachnia is looking out the window and sees Megatron is riding one of those hover pads from the Darkside. The hover pad transforms into a large missile. Megatron is wearing a wig and a pointy hat. Megatron is now the Transmetal 2 form.

 

Megatron- BWWWWWAAAAAA!!!!!!

The vision is blurred and soon comes to an end in a large thump and flash of technicolor. Blackarachnia soon recovers and walks out side.

BA- Ohh. Technicolor!! Cool I haven’t seen this bad of color since I had that bad energon a while back. Gee Silverbolt, I don’t think we’re on prehistoric Earth anymore.

Una- Ook ook... welcome to caveman land. Ook you kill Evil Magmatron of the East. Land on him with large metal piece of junk.

Una points to two feet sticking out from under the Axalon. A red garment sits near the body, which Blackarachnia picks up.

BA- You mean I didn’t kill Megatron?

Uno- Ook, no you kill stunt double! Him Magmatron from Japan!

Suddenly a flash of light and we see good Airazor of the North, who gleams because she is gold plated.

BA- Gold plated? Snazzy.

AR- I’m the good Airazor of the North. You killed the Evil Magmatron of the East, you have earned his bra.

Silverbolt- He had a bra?

AR- Yes. It is a ruby red bra with mystical powers. He was also a cross dresser.

Blackarachnia looks at the Ruby Red Bra that she picked up. BA turns around and drops her torso-plate. Silverbolt begins to breathe very hard.

BA- I’m Evil, Remember

BA puts on the bra but Silverbolt has passed out. Blackarachnia then kicks Silverbolt and Silverbolt wakes up.

AR- That will help you on your way to the green fort. Go there and find the Wizard of On...err, Cybertron I mean.

Silverbolt- Is this really Cybertron?

AR- You wish. If we had that kind of money, we could’ve hired real munchkins instead of protohumans. The wizard will help you find your way home. Follow the energon brick road.

BA- Green fort? What, is it made of emerald?

Una- Ook, ook no, Fort Max just have bad clams.

We pan over to see Una’s father holding the large stick with the rock attached. He moves over toward Magmatron and begins to beat him with the stick. Suddenly the color is gone! The camera pans over to show Una pounding a large red switch with the label "Color or Black and White".

BA- What the hell are you doing? Turn it back!

Una- Ooky ook. Una’s Switch! Me in control!

BA pulls a large gun on Una, and she reluctantly changes the switch back to color.

Una- Ugh!. B*tch.

Blackarachnia and Silverbolt begin their journey down the Energon Brick Road. 10 minutes later they come upon a sign.

Sign- WARNING! Mine field.

They see a large pole in the middle of the mine field with Waspinator attached.

Waspinator- Halt! Who gooozzz there?

Waspinator jumps off the pole and is immediately blasted into the air by a very large mine. We hear a sudden whistling sound as Waspinator parts land on the ground. Feet, then his other parts that just happen to land in the right order reassemble on the Energon Brick Road.

BA- Who the slag are you?

Waspinator- Me Wazzpinator! Me used to scare crowz but wazn’t built with brain, don’t know what crow iz. Can’t scare if Wazzpinator doesn’t know what he suppozed to scare. Do you have extra brain?

BA- No!

Waspinator- Where are you going? Maybe they have brain!

BA- Well, to the Wizard, of course. Where else does this road lead?

Waspinator- (Shrugs) Cleveland? Wizard! He’ll have brain!

BA- Alright you can come but if anyone asks, you’re my new trash compactor.

Silverbolt- (Jealously) Grrr.

BA- Okay down boy. He’s not that kind of compactor.

Waspinator- (Excited) Ooooo...Nice bra!

Silverbolt jumps up, rips off Waspinator’s head and begins to roll it down the Energon Brick Road.

Waspinator- (Sadly) Ohh. Wazpinator need new head now too. What he do that for?

BA- Stupid pet trick. (rimshot)

So off they went continuing down the Energon Brick Road until they came to a forest with several trees that have been cut down by something that resembles a circular saw blade. They soon come upon a large spider’s web hooked up to Tarantulas. They discover that the machine is malfunctioning because of the sap from the maple trees.

BA- Hmm... what does this switch do?

She flips the switch. Suddenly the web sizzles and begins to whir. The camera pans behind a large tree we see Tarantulas spring to life, and pops out at the travelers.

Silverbolt- Who are you fiend?

Tarantulas- I’m Tarantulas, I cut down trees and sell them for fire wood. Unfortunately I need a heart.

Silverbolt- What you don’t have any compassion, remorse, or feelings?

Tarantulas- No, no, no...I don’t want any of those, I just want a heart. Something full of blood. I’m hungry!

BA- Ughh! I suppose you can come! Just stay away from me, and if we meet anyone, I don’t know you.

Suddenly Megatron appears on the top of the nearby hut, which at one time housed Tarantulas.

Megatron- You’ll Never make it...Nooo I’ll get you my chesty and your little fuzor too...Yesss. And the ruby red bra too.

BA- Why would you want a bra?

Megatron- I’m going to wea...The power the power!! damn!

BA- Okay...

Megatron- I’ll get you for that

Silverbolt is caught lifting his leg on one the trees. Megatron raises his hand and suddenly the trees in the forest come to life.

Optimus Primal- And let it be known as Tree Wars!

BA- What the...he isn’t supposed to be in this scene.

Primal- Oops, sorry.

Primal walks away.

The trees transform into robots and begin attacking. Tarantulus starts up his Pizza Cutter of Doom and begins mowing the tree robots down. The tree robots become robo-logs. They leave that part of the forest.

Several minutes later the group is again walking down the Energon Brick Road.

BA- Ugh, this part of the forest is dark. You guys think there might be wild animals in here?

Waspinator- Think? What’zzzz that mean?

Tarantulus- In this part of the forest, there have been stories of Gorillas, Cheetahs, and Giant Crabs.

BA- Yeach! Gorillas, Cheetahs, and Crabs oh slag.

Silverbolt is suddenly drawn to the trees in the background. He soon finds Rampage in a bush. Rampage jumps out but soon sees Silverbolt and runs back and cowers in the bush. Blackarachnia pulls a gun.

BA- It’s okay (snickering) I won’t hurt you. What’s yer problem?

Rampage- That dog scares me, damn he’s ugly!

Blackarachnia cocks her gun.

BA- Hey that’s my boy friend! He’s not that bad!

Rampage- Well, How should I know? I don’t have any courage!

Silverbolt- What are you talking about? You seem pretty brave to me.

Rampage- That’s not courage! That’s blind murderous psychosis. It has nothing to do with courage.

Silverbolt begins chewing on Rampage’s leg. Rampage goes on a rampage (you thought he wouldn’t?) and jumps around, firing nukes into the air and stepping on Silverbolt’s head.

BA puts her hand on her face and shakes her head.

BA- Look, if we try to get you some courage from the wizard, will you help us?

Rampage- Bwa!

BA- Since when has Bob Forward’s characterization taken effect?

Rampage- BWAAAAAAAA!

BA- Alright, let’s go.

The group continues on down the Energon Brick Road until they finally see the Green Fort in the distance. As they look at it, it begins emitting strange noises.

Fort- Brrraaaappp! Pbbbtttt...blurble graaappp...

BA- Ewww...those clams must have given him gas too.

Fort- Well, thank you Miss Exposition.

Later, they get to the entrance of the Green Fort. They knock on the door. A little opening opens. Wheelie’s head pops out.

Wheelie- Who goes there? Fort Max’s wind blows there!

BA-....

Wheelie- Are you here to see the wizard?

BA- Yes, we are.

Wheelie- No one sees the wizard, not even in a blizzard. You should do as Wheelie say, you should now just go away.

BA- Okay? (Blackarachnia grabs Rampages gun) Can I borrow this? (Rampage nods, Wheelie’s head is suddenly met by a very large eye ball missile)

Wheelie- Okay you can come in. Just don’t blow off my skin. But first you must have a trim with the scissors before you can see the wizard.

BA- What the pit are you talking about? I don’t have any hair.

Wheelie- We’ll fix that. How about a hat?

BA- I don’t think so...

They enter the green fort. They are put in salon-style hair dressing chairs. Cheetor, Starscream, and Tracks are working on Blackarachnia, Silverbolt, and Rampage respectively. Cheetor is styling a wig on Blackarachnia’s head that now looks vaguely like a pie. Starscream is tying pink bows in Silverbolt’s hair, and Tracks styles Rampage’s...errr...horns I guess.

Starscream- lets touch this up and oh these little pink bows will look absolutely wonderful!

Tracks and Cheetor stare at Starscream.

Starscream- What!? I am not gay!

The travelers get up after they finish. Rampage finds that there is a nearby bar.

Rampage- My spark, it feeds on beer! (He sits beside Airazor) Is that beer you’re drinking Maximal?

Airazor- Hey do you come here often? (suddenly Tigatron shows up with an angry expression on his face and escorts Airazor)

Airazor- (drunken) Sorry hun I think I fell off the wagon.

Tigatron- Since when were you on the wagon?

Tigatron drags Airazor off. Later we see Rampage rambling on to himself, drunk.

Rampage- So then I said ‘I don’t need your stinking park! I’ll build my own park. With blackjack and hookers! In fact, forget the park and the blackjack. You make me wanna wretch.

Rampage passes out. Blackarachnia shows up and drags him off.

Wheelie- To see the wizard, you need not holler. That is a Rat of a different color.

BA- If you don’t start making more sense, I’m gonna tear your head off and stick it where the sun don’t shine.

Wheelie- Here’s the Rat, so don’t do that.

A cart pulled by Transmetal Rattrap (in beast mode) pulls up. They get in. It goes in circles a few times, and each time they turn a corner, he changes to a newer, more garish color. First blue, then orange, then green, then purple.

BA- What the slag is going on?

Rattrap- Eh, Hasbro needed some exclusives and I got picked. Go buy ‘em kids!

They stop at the opening of a long, torch lit corridor. Everybody from the Fort runs.

Wheelie (shouting)- Go that way, to the end of the hall. The floor has been waxed so please don’t fall! It’s not covered by our insurance.

They all walk forward, but Rampage slips and falls.

Wheelie- D’oh!

Blackarachnia looks down the hall.

BA- That’s a long way. I don’t want to have to walk it...hmm.

Later, we see everyone on top of Rampage, sliding down the hallway too fast. They see the end wall coming and bail. Rampage keeps sliding and smacks into it. They walk into the cavernous room that houses the wizard. They stand in front of a stage with flames leaping on either side. A big giant Unicron head appears, and everyone gasps.

Everyone- Gasp!

Big giant Unicron head- I am the great wizard to which you seek to speak with which I will speak to you now. You, Blackarachnia, wish to return home, do you not?

BA- Well, that was my first choice.

Big giant Unicron head- And, you, Waspinator, wish to have a brain and the ability to retain knowledge?

Waspinator- Yezzzz...what you just say?

Big giant Unicron head- And, you, Tarantulus, wish to have a heart with which to feel?

Tarantulus- Slag, you, get it right! I want a heart to eat!

Big giant Unicron head- Erm...right. Finally, you, cowardly Rampage, want courage?

Rampage- Bwa!

BA- How do you know all this?

Big giant Unicron head- Silence! I am the great wizard! I know all, see all, and I get script approval. In fact, wanna see me finish this story without you? Huh?

BA- No, I need this paycheck! Now will you help us?

Big giant Unicron head- I’ll think about it. First, I need you to do something for me. I need you to end the tyranny of the Wicked Megatron of the East. He’s been horning in on my turf for too damn long. When you return, bring back his missile, the source of his power, to prove his destruction was successful. Now go! Your dog is messing on my floor.

BA- Silverbolt!

Silverbolt whimpers.

Wheelie pushes the five out the front door of the Fort.

Wheelie- Don’t return without the missile. Because of your dog we needed the Bissell!

BA- How the slag are we supposed to get Megatron’s missile? Or destroy him? We don’t have enough competence between the three of you to stop a flea. (She looks at Waspinator, Tarantulus, and Rampage).

Waspinator- Wazzpinator has plans! No wait, those marbles rolling in my head...

Marbles fall out of his ears.

Waspinator- Noooo!! Wazzzpinator lose his marbles too!

BA- I’ll say.

Suddenly, scene appears to change, and seems to be coming from on of those spherical holographic displays...you know, the ones the Predacons have...the ones that look like a crystal ball...the ones, oh never mind. If you don’t remember by now, you shouldn’t be reading this anyway.

Megatron (the one in dragon form with the pointy hat)- So they want to destroy me, yesssss? I will not allow that, nooo. I shall take care of them, now, yessss....Bwahahahahahahahahahha! Hahahahahahaha...(Suddenly, Megatron’s voice changes. He now begins to sound like the real wicked witch cackling. A guard in the corner ((Inferno)) looks at him funny. Megatron stops and covers his mouth) What are you looking at?

Inferno- Nothing my queen.

Megatron- I told you, only call me queen when I’m in my Sunday best. Now go, guard the castle.

Inferno- Yes my queen.

Inferno leaves. Megatron turns to the display ball.

Megatron- Now, to take care of you. In memory of the Decepticons, for the glory of the Predacons, for all that is rightfully ours...and mine to rule! I release the storm of vengeance...farewell! (knocks a statuette off the table on his foot) OWCH! My foot! Ow ow ow ow... (hops on one foot for a minute) Dammit, well this scene isn’t recoverable. I’m going to have to do this and get it over with, yesss.

As Blackarachnia and her group walk through an empty field, raw energon sprouts from the ground and puts them all in stasis lock. Back at Megatron’s castle that looks suspiciously like Trypticon...

Megatron- Now, my winged primate, go! Get them and return!

Optimal Optimus- I thought I told you, don’t call me that.

Megatron- I’ll call you whatever I wish if you want to get paid! What do you think I give you bananas for?

OpOp- Oh, all right. (scratches armpit)

Optimus jumps out the window and falls, hitting the ground. He then activates his jets and takes off.

Megatron- Yeeessssssss....

Blackarachnia wakes up being pushed into a cell by Optimal Optimus. She looks at him.

BA- Why are you helping Megatron?

OpOp- It’s a union job. The pay’s lousy, but I get free food and the dental plan is great!

Optimus grins widely, showing a mouth full of gleaming, gold pointed teeth, then leaves eating a banana. She looks out the window and sees a large group of Infernos and one Quickstrike marching back and forth in front of the castle.

Infernos- Burn traitor burn, buuuuurrrrrn. Burn traitor burn, buuuuurrrrrn.

Quickstrike- Yeah! That’s what I like ta hear! Let’s kick some kiester!

Blackarachnia sits down and sighs. Suddenly, the door swings open and TMII Dinobot appears.

Dinobot- You have been summoned by Megatron. Come! Now! My transmetal rigid grill structure...

BA- Okay, okay. I didn’t ask for your life story, sheesh.

Blackarachnia and Silverbolt are brought to Megatron.

Megatron- So you thought you could destroy me, yeeessss?

Silverbolt- That’s the plan!

Megatron- Silence! (Slams fist on table in front of him. He then looks at his fist)

Damn, I broke a nail. Maybe I’ll have to show you how dangerous I can be.

The image of the other Maximals back on earth appear on his display ball thingie. They are calling for Blackarachnia and Silverbolt.

Megatron- Just think how devastated they’ll be if you never return, yessss. Now give me the bra, yesssss, or I shall kill you both, yessssss...

BA- You monster!

Megatron- Flattery will get you nowhere, noooo...

Silverbolt growls, snarls, and runs at Megatron, biting his leg. Megatron kicks him across the room. Blackarachnia runs to the corner and grabs his missile. She smashes the end on the floor and the end blows up. Megatron comes at her. Blackarachnia, enraged, grabs a plot device...err, a bucket of sulfuric acid and throws it in his face. It has no effect.

BA- Damn.

Blackarachnia picks up a bucket of water and throws it at Megatron. He promptly begins to melt.

Megatron- Blast you all! Oh, what a universe, what a universe, yesssss.

Megatron turns into a pile of ooze on the floor, yesssss.

Silverbolt- Water killed him? Go figure...think how much ammo we could’ve saved in the last three seasons...

Later, we see all the Infernos running from the castle, their union contracts broken and off to find jobs in the fast food industry. Blackarachnia finds Waspinator in one cell, in pieces on the ground. She puts him back together. In the next cell, she finds Tarantulus stuck by sap and a web machine, like when she first found him. She gets him working again. Finally, she finds Rampage in the last cell, eyes taped open, tied to a chair, and being forced to watch episodes of the Power Rangers and Mystic Knights.

Rampage- NOOOOOOO!!!! THE PAIN! THE AGONY! END THIS NOW! Damn my indestructible spark.

Blackarachnia braves the torture and frees Rampage. They drag Rampage out of the castle and get a good distance. Suddenly, the castle explodes.

BA- How did that happen?

Quickstrike appears and runs by.

Quickstrike- What do you think I was doing there? Hehehehehehehehe...

A piece of Dinobot hits the ground. Optimal Optimus appears and picks it up.

OpOp- He lived a warrior ans died to a Transmetal 2!

Next scene, inside the wizard’s chamber, Blackarachnia holds the missile up at the big giant Unicron head...

BA- We’ve brought you what you wanted, now fulfill our requests.

Big giant Unicron head- I’ve changed my mind. I don’t want to help you, so there. Nyah.

BA- Why you #$%^#*@*$$%#@!!

Big giant Unicron head- Flattery will get you nowhere. Now get out of my chambers and never return. What...no...wait, pay no attention to the man behind the curtain...

Silverbolt has found a man behind a curtain in the corner of the room. It is Spike, eating a plate of clams.

Big giant Unicron head- Not that curtain, the other curtain...oh blast stupid, stupid, stupid. No...pay no attention...Damn.

The curtain is pulled back to reveal the true wizard of Cybertron--Echowarrior.

BA- What a gyp.

Echowarrior- Who else would be the wizard of Cybertron! I, the omnipotent dolphin bat Fuzor with the head of the 12 year old who created me, and who is from the future and knows a lot about history!

The group looks at him with their arms crossed. A cricket chirps in the background.

BA- Is there any way you can help us get what we want?

Echowarrior- Well, maybe. Here is a diploma for you Waspinator, a sign of intelligence, a heart-shaped clock for you Tarantulus, a symbol of feelings, and a badge of courage for you Rampage, a symbol of courage. As for Blackarachnia and Silverbolt, I have a space ship I built that is preparing to take me back to earth. There’s some extra space. It’ll be ready in...

Echowarrior catches a glimpse of the three Predacons very angry at being ripped off like that and are preparing to attack. He backs away slowly, then looks at the ship.

Echowarrior- Ummm...you’re on your own...AH!

He runs to the ship and takes off, fleeing the Predacons. They begin firing at the ship, but are unable to stop it.

Tarantulus- Blast! I’m still hungry.

Waspinator- Wazzpinator zzztill need brain.

Rampage- And I still need courage...ah to the pit with it. Courage is overrated. Let’s trash the place!

The other Predacons- Yeah!

They run out into the hallway and all slip on the waxed floor.

BA- I need to get home. Silverbolt, we may never see earth again.

The good Airazor of the North appears, hungover (as seen earlier in the fanfiction).

AR- You’ve had what you’ve needed all along to get home: the ruby red bra. Just swing it over your head three times crying out "I wanna go home, I wanna go home, oh for the love of slag I wanna go home!" Buuurp.

Blackarachnia removes the bra, causing Silverbolt to faint again. She begins to swing it over her head. Meanwhile...

The three Predacons walk out of the Green Fort, Tarantulus quietly chewing on one of Wheelie’s arms. Rampage is extremely happy and launches a nuke into the air to celebrate, which then falls to the ground and hits the Energon brick road and explodes, igniting a chain reaction that quickly blows up all the energon.

BA- I wanna go home, I wanna go home, oh for the love of slag--

---------BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMM-------

Everything goes dark. Blackarachnia awakes to find herself in the Axalon, all the Maximals standing over her bed.

BA- Oh, it was all just a dream. And you were there, and you were there, and you were there.

Rhinox- I wasn’t there.

BA- Sorry, my mistake.

Optimus- Actually, it wasn’t all just a dream. Come see this.

They all go to the Axalon window and look outside to see a Green Fort Max in a crater, one corner of his towers in the ground. Una and a group of protohumans stumble around and generally look beat up.

BA- Ah, back to normal...at least, as normal as it ever gets.

THE END

Epilogue:

Echowarrior lands on earth and walks out to smell the fresh air. He promptly has Rampage’s hell-belcher pointed at his face.

Echowarrior- Um...hi, have we met before?

Rampage- BWWWAAAAAAA!!!!!

Echowarrior is chased into the sunset, missiles flying everywhere and blowing up large sections of scenery.

Megatron- Yeeessssss....

THE END...well, not quite...

Epilogue of the epilogue:

Boy walks into a restaurant named Burger Inferno.

Boy- Hi!

Inferno in paper hat- What can I get for you traitor?

Boy- Hey, my name is Raul. I want the Buuuurrrrnnnntttt Value meal.

Inferno in paper hat whips up a burger on his flame thrower. He burrrrrrrrnnnnnsss it. He waves to another Inferno in the back. Then, Inferno throws it in a bun, grabs some fries and a Coke, and throws it all in a paper bag.

Inferno in paper hat- That’ll be 4:90.

Raul walks away. Man walks up.

Man- I’ll have the special. What is it?

Inferno in paper hat- You, traitor. Now how do you want to be served: Rare, medium-rare, or well done?

Man- Well done...wait, what do you mean?

Inferno in paper hat- (Aims flame thrower) Buuuurrrrrrnnnn! (fires)

THE END...I really do mean it this time.